Your First Korean Funeral 😔 A Guide So Your Hands Don't Shake at the Envelope Table

Introduction

One Friday afternoon, a coworker from Nepal walked up to me and quietly asked:

"형, 팀장님 아버님 돌아가셨다고 부고가 왔는데… 저 가야 돼요?" (Hyeong, tim-jang-nim abeonim doraga-syeot-dago bugo-ga wat-neunde… jeo ga-ya dwae-yo?) "Hyung, the team lead's father passed away and we got the notice. Do I have to go?"

He looked quite serious. Another coworker walked by and said, "Just put 50,000 won in the envelope," but that alone only seemed to leave him more lost. He'd never been taught what to write on the envelope, where to stand inside, or what to say when he saw the family.

The actual ceremony takes about 30 minutes. But there are quite a few small details you need to know to get through that half hour without missteps.

1. Let's Talk About the Envelope First: How Much, and What to Write

The most-asked question is the amount. There's no fixed answer, but Koreans have a rough sense based on your relationship to the person.

Coworker you're not that close to, or a team lead's / colleague's parent's funeral: 50,000 won
Senior or supervisor you eat lunch with regularly: 50,000–100,000 won
Direct supervisor who has looked out for you: 100,000 won
A close friend or someone you consider family: 100,000–200,000 won

The current baseline sense is that 50,000 won is "standard." 30,000 won is generally seen as something for a very distant acquaintance or a student, so for anyone from work, starting at 50,000 is safer. If several coworkers are attending together, teams often pool the money into one envelope. In that case, the team decides the per-person amount. The safest move is to ask your coworkers first: "How much are we each chipping in this time?"

One small custom: amounts are traditionally kept to odd numbers (30,000, 50,000, 70,000). 100,000 is an exception because it's seen as a "complete" number. 40,000 is avoided because the Korean word for four (사, sa) sounds the same as the character 死 meaning "death." Younger Koreans don't really care about this anymore, but if the family is older, it's worth respecting.

How to Write on the Envelope

At the entrance of the funeral hall, you'll see a stack of white envelopes. Most already have 賻儀 (부의, buui) or 謹弔 (근조, geunjo), both meaning "condolences," printed on the front. If not, you can write it vertically with a pen, but usually people just grab a pre-printed one.

On the bottom-left of the back, write vertically like this:

[Company Name] Sales Team
Bikas

The reason you write your affiliation is that the chief mourner (상주, sangju) later goes through the guest ledger and needs to know "who was this person?" Your name doesn't need to be Korean. Just write your own name as it is. The family will remember it when they send thank-yous later.

Money goes straight into the envelope. It doesn't have to be folded, and it doesn't have to be crisp new bills (there used to be a rule against new bills for condolence money, but hardly anyone follows that now). Don't seal the envelope. Leave the flap open so it drops easily into the condolence money box.

2. What Should You Wear

"I don't own a black suit." I hear this constantly. You don't need a full black suit. You just need to follow these principles:

Dark colors overall: black is best, but dark gray or navy is fine
A white shirt with dark pants is the easiest safe combination
Tie in black or a dark color. No bright colors or loud patterns
Dark socks: white socks stand out against a dark suit and look wrong
For women: a dark dress or suit; avoid flashy accessories, perfume, or heavy makeup

If you're heading straight from work, throwing a dark jacket over your clothes and swapping to a plain tie is enough. From the family's side, the fact that you showed up at all is what matters.

One thing to be careful about: avoid anything red. Tie, scarf, bag, shoes, any of it. Red is the color of weddings, so wearing it to the opposite occasion reads as disrespectful.

3. Once You're Inside, Move in This Order

When you arrive, check the display board for the name of the deceased and the room number. You'll see something like "故 홍길동, Room 3." 故 (고, go) means "the late."

Once you're at the room, move through these steps:

Sign the guest book (방명록, bangmyeongrok): Write your affiliation and name, vertically. Same name you wrote on the envelope.
Drop the envelope into the condolence money box: usually right next to or inside the guestbook table.
Enter the memorial room and stand in front of the portrait (영정, yeongjeong): Take off your hat and coat.
Offer incense (분향, bunhyang) or a flower (헌화, heonhwa): Which one depends on the setup.
Perform two full bows and a half bow, or a standing bow instead. More on this in a second.
Turn to the chief mourner and exchange one bow, or nod. Keep it short.

The whole thing takes under five minutes.

How to Offer Incense

You'll see an incense burner and a small bundle of incense sticks. Take just one stick, light it from the candle, and, importantly, never blow it out with your mouth. Wave your hand gently or shake the stick up and down to extinguish it. Then place it carefully in the burner.

How to Offer a Flower

Some services use white chrysanthemums instead. Lay the flower with the bud facing the portrait. That's the only rule.

How to Bow

This is the part that trips people up. Just memorize the order:

Men: right hand on top, left hand underneath
Women: left hand on top, right hand underneath

Do two full bows (큰절, keunjeol), kneeling and touching your forehead close to the back of your hands, followed by one half bow (반절, banjeol), a smaller seated bow.

If bowing is difficult or you can't do it for religious reasons, a standing bow is completely fine. Clasp your hands in front of you and bow deeply from the waist. That's not rude at all. Even younger Koreans often just do a standing bow now.

Greeting the Chief Mourner

When you turn from the portrait, the chief mourner (usually wearing a black armband or a black ribbon) will be standing to the side. Exchange a short bow or a nod. No handshake.

One sentence is enough:

"삼가 고인의 명복을 빕니다." (Samga goin-ui myeongbog-eul bimnida.) "I humbly pray for the peace of the deceased." (samga = respectfully, goin = the deceased, myeongbok = peace in the afterlife)

If the pronunciation feels too hard, "뭐라 드릴 말씀이 없습니다" (Mworan deuril malsseumi eopseumnida, "I don't know what to say") also works. Or just a silent, respectful nod. Don't try to say a lot. The family is exhausted from standing for days. A short, quiet greeting is actually what they appreciate most.

4. Things You Absolutely Should Not Do

This part matters most, because a mistake made out of not knowing can genuinely hurt the family.

Don't take photos. Not the portrait, not the room, not other mourners. Don't post any of it on social media either.
Don't laugh loudly or chat. Even if you run into someone you know, keep the greeting quiet and short.
Don't ask how they died. This is one of the worst breaches of etiquette in Korea.
Don't corner the chief mourner in conversation. They haven't slept in days and have been standing the whole time.
Be careful with "cheer up" phrases: "힘내세요" (himnaeseyo, "stay strong") or "don't cry" can land badly. Acknowledging the sadness silently is often better.
Silence your phone. Even vibration draws attention, so it's best to turn it off entirely.
As a rule, don't bring children: hard to keep them quiet, and it puts a strain on other guests.

5. Yukgaejang, Sliced Pork, and a Small Glass of Soju

After you've paid your respects, someone will guide you to the dining room (식당방, sikdangbang). You can leave right away with a "저는 그냥 가겠습니다" ("I should get going") and it's not rude, but if you have time, sitting down briefly is considered the polite thing to do. Eating a meal there is itself a way of giving the family strength.

The menu is more or less fixed:

육개장 (yukgaejang): a spicy red beef and vegetable soup. There are various theories about why this dish is served (red wards off bad spirits; the soup keeps well over long visitation days), but it's simply become tradition.
편육 (pyeonyuk, sliced pressed pork), jeon (savory pancakes), namul (seasoned vegetables), kimchi, and rice cakes: all easy finger food.
Soju or makgeolli: optional.

A few things to keep in mind here:

Don't clink glasses. The sound of glasses meeting belongs to celebrations. Everyone drinks quietly on their own.
Pour with two hands when you pour for someone older than you.
If you don't drink, no one will push you. Cola or Sprite is a fine substitute.
Don't linger. 15 to 30 minutes is plenty.
Say goodbye to the chief mourner on your way out: something short like "그럼 저 가보겠습니다" ("I'll head out now") is enough.

You don't pay for the meal separately. The condolence money in your envelope already covers it. That's worth understanding. It changes how the whole thing feels.

6. So, What Should You Actually Do?

Honestly? You don't need to memorize everything I just wrote. Even Koreans don't get all of it perfectly right. I still hesitate on the hand positions when I bow, and my first time I just followed whoever was in front of me.

The three things that really matter:

Wear dark clothes.
Write your name on the envelope.
Greet quietly, keep it short, and leave.

That covers it. And beyond the etiquette, the fact that you showed up is what carries the real meaning. For Koreans, a funeral isn't really a place to share sadness. It's a place to confirm that the family isn't alone. Years later, your team lead will remember, "That foreign colleague of ours came."

If you're worried your Korean isn't smooth enough, one quiet sentence to your team lead when you're back at work is more than enough:

"팀장님, 지난주 힘드셨죠. 건강 잘 챙기세요." ("Team lead, last week must have been hard. Please take care of yourself.")

One line. That's it.

Wrapping Up

The longer you live in Korea, the more funerals you attend compared to weddings, especially as you get older. The first one is the hardest. By the second, it all feels much easier.

And someday, a newer coworker is going to walk up to you and say, "Hyung, I have to go to a funeral this weekend…" When that day comes, you can pass on what you learned here, piece by piece. That's part of what a Korean funeral hall is, too.

Share this with someone preparing to come to Korea.